Week #6: “Why doesn’t anybody like me?”

DAY | PLAN | ACTUAL
MON | REST | REST
TUE | 3M/STRENGTH | 3.3M (8:53/MI)/STRENGTH
WED | 5M | 5.2M (10:07/MI)
THU | 3M/STRENGTH | 3.1M HILL INT (9:50/MI)/STRENGTH
FRI | REST | REST
SAT | YOGA | BIKRAM90
SUN | 7M | 7.6 (9:45/MI)
TOTAL |18 MILES | 19.2 MILES

This was a rough week. I’m squeezing in this wrap-up to you guys pretty late and I should have week 7 coming up shortly behind it. Week #6 was rough, and then it was followed by an even tougher seven days–not in training, but in life. I always try to make my wrap-ups about a bit more than just the running, but I found it hard last week to get anything down on paper besides this. (Thanks to all of you who read and commented and supported that post, btw.)

As you can see from above, week 6 was a step-back week, my weekday runs stayed steady and the weekend long run dropped down in mileage in order to gather strength for the next push upward. My training plan has a step-back week every third week and I find it really helpful. Because my personality is so PUSH PUSH PUSH, the step-back weeks make me feel really rational and sane. I was glad to find these characteristics in training because they were completely absent from the rest of my life during this week.

Let me preface this whole ramble by saying I was a week out from my period. My craziness does like to spread itself out throughout the month but consistently finds itself in tip-top form the week before Flo comes to visit. (I like to mention this whenever it’s relevant cause period shaming is for suckers.)

It all started on WordPress actually. If you guys have had any interaction with me at all you probably know that I read and comment on a LOT of blogs. This means I get a lot less sleep than I probably should, but it also means that I am constantly learning things from all of you and opening my mind to different ideas and different kinds of people. I’ve got a list of tags that I follow of subjects that interest me and I really go to town reading and giving feedback; I truly believe it’s one of the ways I’m growing most as a writer. So it was during one of these reading sessions that I realized there was a blogger that I had been reading posts from pretty consistently. I really liked their blog. I looked back and realized that I had liked several of their posts, and then I recalled that I was even inspired to comment on a few of them. That’s when I thought, “Oh, I should probably follow this person, I have liked a lot of their stuff.” And then it happened, I looked back at some of the posts I knew I had commented on and the comments weren’t there. Apparently they had never approved them. First, I felt hurt. Then, I felt embarrassed–I thought, “this person probably thinks that I am stalking them.” With my emotions already riding up and down, I closed the app and said, “Why doesn’t this person like me?”

A day later I called my dentist for the third time to try to schedule a cleaning. Once again the hygienist (who doubles as the office assistant), asked if he could call me back as he was too busy to check the availability at that moment. That’s when I really lost it. Standing on the sidewalk, underneath scaffolding, outside my office, I let loose a whiny tirade that the poor fellow on the other end did not deserve or I’m sure have time for. It went something (or exactly) like this:

“Is there a reason you guys don’t want me as a patient anymore? This is the third time I have tried to call and schedule an appointment and someone always says they are going to call back and they don’t and I’m just starting to feel like this is being done purposely. I have good insurance, I have always paid my bills, I try to be pleasant to be around and am always respectful of people there, I can’t understand why you wouldn’t want me as a patient. But if that is the case please just tell me now and I will find another dentist.”

I’m not going to share the hygienists insanely apologetic response. It just makes this story more embarrassing. I have an appointment on Tuesday.

I tell both of these stories to demonstrate how insane my brain (and unfortunately my actions) can get, but also to reveal a least favorite part of me: the part that’s desperate for people to like me.

I’m a pretty loud, confident, dominant personality. I actually feel fairly introverted but have more recently become aware that the world sees me as much more extroverted. I’ve been putting on the “I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of me” face, for as long as I can remember. (Like no joke, since I was in kindergarten–I’ve got another story that proves this but I’ll save it for another time). I think the irony in tough people like me is that we often care a great deal what other people think. During an especially torrid time like week 6, I am often able to hit the ultimate trifecta:

  1. Act like I don’t care what anyone thinks of me
  2. Get inordinately hurt when someone doesn’t care for me or something I’ve done
  3. Feel angry, frustrated, and disappointed with myself for not being able to truly be a person who doesn’t care what people think

This cycle is viscous and not at all constructive; I beat myself up for acting on an aspect of myself I’m not happy with, and end up no closer to a solution or way of working through inevitable feelings.

Luckily, I’m training for a marathon and being in a step-back week was just what the nut-doctor ordered. I honestly think it would have been really difficult to get through really long runs in weeks 6, but luckily, that’s not where I was at. Everything was doable; the schedule allowed me the space to really focus on the mental aspect of training. I felt down, I felt depressed, I felt like nobody was on my side. But throughout the week, each day was just like a run– I had to get out there and do it, despite my feelings. I had to keep pushing through and telling myself that not all of my feelings were facts, and they did not always have to direct my actions–I could accomplish things, even when my mind was shouting that I couldn’t.

By the end of week 6 the clouds had cleared. I no longer thought that everyone hated me and thoughtful, rational decisions were surpassing all the crazy. My lighter running week had produced huge mental gains, and I felt rested and strong and ready for the lengthier challenges in week 7.

This blog is one of the best teachers I’ve ever had. That blogger (or bloggers, I am sure there is more than one!) out there who doesn’t care for me is such a gift. They reminded me, passive dislike is nothing–I’ve had some pretty virulent opposition to some things I have written. Practicing how to handle any type of criticism or negativity is vital. I don’t want to put on the “I don’t give a fuck” face anymore. But I truly do want to grow and wear a thicker skin. I know I’ll need it for where I’m going.

 

Alright guys, I’m sure all of you have amazing stories that exemplify your insecurities that you are dying to share. Let’s hear em’!

 

header image: lee scott

 

47 thoughts on “Week #6: “Why doesn’t anybody like me?”

  1. I just stumbled across your blog and Oh! How I relate!!! I love the phrase, “feelings aren’t facts.” I also tend to interpret things as being done *to* me, personally. I had been having a really tough week dealing with my 13-year-old son, who has some ‘issues.’ Emotionally, I was feeling totally beat up, and my husband found me in our room crying.He reminded me to not take it personally, that our son acting out had to do with our son, not me. That helped change my perception. It’s still hard when my son gets in that space, but at least now I try to remember that it’s not about me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Shawn!! So glad you found me. You know what, for me it’s an interesting balance. Yes, our feelings are not facts, at least not all the time. But–our feelings are still valid. For so long I took that “feelings are not facts” so far that I just thought I was some type of emotional wreck. It’s true, sometimes I can get over emotional and take things too personally like you said, but now I have to respect my feelings as well and know that I can communicate when I’ve really been hurt or feel like I’ve been wronged.
      Perspective shift though, you are right, that is what it is all about!!
      So glad to have you here and glad you related to something. Please come back and share your thoughts often, love having you! x

      Like

  2. Michele

    Don’t be too hard on yourself. I admit, I’m horrid at the social part of social media. I’ve enjoyed your blog and can relate to your ups and downs, even commented a couple of times. Mostly, I’m a lurker. Don’t take it personally if I’m off the radar or others are, it may boil down to expectations and introverted personalities. For me, blogging is as much about improving my writing (I’m a writer too – analyst @ research company) as it is about a personal journal. It would be great if the blog was a place to extend my ‘friends’, but I find again that I may be socially loud (shout out my life) but socially awkward (quiet wallflower). It has nothing to do with if you. It has more to do with me (or it has more to do with the other blogger you really want to connect with). Anyway, keep writing, keep sharing, keep reaching out to people. Ultimately, keep being interesting. – Lurker

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for this Michele! This post was really helpful just to say things out loud–when I did I realized that some of it was silly and other stuff a lot of people could relate to, so glad I put it out there. Thanks for lurking 😍.

      Like

  3. Hey Cat, thanks for your transparency.
    Some of your insecurities echoed how I’ve felt recently when meeting new people and potential friends. I care extremely about my friendships and forming authentic connections so most of the time when I’m meeting people I tend to be all in my head trying to read the situation, how I come off or what people’s first impressions of me.
    When things start to bother me regarding other people’s actions I’m learning to A. take my “feelings” out of the equation and B. try and ask them direct questions because when we start those mental scripts they tend to lead to “I’m not good enough.” Most of the time whatever happened may not even be about us personally. I understand this may be harder with “virtual” friendships, which are altogether a harder thing to navigate.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. qplourde

    I’m constantly too hard on myself too – and my mind is obsessive if I find out I’m not liked. It bothers me, I get a lot of anxiety about it and a nervous stomach being around that person. But it happens. Right now, I’m having challenges at work and it’s constantly making me second guess things and feel like I’m not doing a good enough job. It makes those tough runs even harder, especially if I’m trying to get a certain speed. It all comes crashing down, feeling like I can’t do anything right. But I’ve learned, mostly through therapy to not beat myself up so much. I take a step back and assess that setbacks are temporary and I don’t have to feel that way if I don’t want to. I’m moving backwards through your posts, because I missed reading blogs while I was on vacation, so I know you come out stronger on the other side! As always, keep running & writing!

    Like

    1. I relate to so much of what you are saying here Q. I’ve got to say, one of the reasons I am so hard on myself is because I really want to be successful and I really want to be a good person. (Not sure what all of your reasons are.) Anyway, I mention that because when I play the tape all the way through and think about what beating myself up does for me, I see that it doesn’t bring me any closer to my goals–it doesn’t serve me. If someone doesn’t like me and i obsess about it all day, they are still not going to like me at the end of that day, and I end up feeling more critical and negative about myself. Those feelings don’t make me a better person, they just make me feel dark and probably affect the way i treat the humans around me that day. Anyway, i know these feelings can be hard to move past, but just wanted to offer that for me, considering whether something really serves me helps in eliminating the crap a lot quicker and moving forward!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: Week #7: “I’m a Beast” – cat h. bradley

  6. My insecurities right now are “am I good enough” and “am I smart enough” and “am I capable”. I’ve been doing some reading on Growth vs Fixed mindset…and I think I need to adopt more of a growth mindset when it comes to things like my athletic ability and my intelligence. Sure I don’t know everything….but I can still learn new things. And sure I’m not as fast as I once was or as I want to be…but that can change. (That one is SUPER hard for me to grasp…I get really down on myself about that one.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Interesting you say that about the growth vs fixed mindset–I imagine this is a MAJOR difference between a lot of people in the world–believing in the ability to change vs. feeling like your lot is just your lot.
      I hope you can find a way to not be so tough on yourself. I know I am as well, but sometimes it helps if i can remember that cutting myself down is hurting me twofold–it’s not improving the thing I am trying to improve, and it adds a lot more emotional and mental stress–all of which doesn’t serve me at all.

      Like

  7. SAME! My therapist once said “you have a big presence” and she meant that in a lot of ways. I’m 5’10” and take up space no matter how small I tried to make myself, I still get noticed. Then you throw personality on that? UGH. I still get hurt when people don’t like me and wonder why. It’s especially painful when I like them! What I’m trying to say is, I feel ya.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL, SAME SAME! I’m 5’10 too! Well, maybe a tiny bit under these days. But BIG body, BIG hair, BIG mouth–I’ve really never been able to be small.
      My sponsor has always told me: “What other people think of me is none of my business.” It’s really true–and it helps me remember that I don’t want to allow people to own space in my brain–it’s too crowded in there already!
      So glad you can relate, it helps to hear :). x

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I got my period on the day of my last Half Marathon, it was awful! I don’t normally notice much change in mood etc, but I think the running just amplified everything. I didn’t perform well, I felt uncomfortable, I was annoyed at myself and other runners for nothing really and I cried a lot. (I never cry) Hormones suck!
    I am exactly the same, I act like I don’t care what people think and I advise (I’m the advice giver in my group of friends) people not to care what people think but in reality I don’t practice what I preach.. I’m not a confident person and I worry about what people think of me or not fitting in with certain groups of friends.
    I can’t understand why someone would do that with regards to your comments, interacting with other people is why I blog!?
    Well Done getting that training week done with so much going on, you are awesome!! xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Ang! I agree, interaction is so much a part of WHY I do this as well, but trying to understand that not everyone has the same objective. There’s a girl I went to college with that I am friends with on fb, and she has a blog where she writes about her triathlons, she is a pretty amazing athlete. I notice though that she seems much more interested in the interaction she gets with people she is already friends with on fb as opposed to new people out on the interwebs. Everyone has their own thing I–I’m learning that and just trying to respect it :). Always glad though to find like minded people such as yourself that I can go back and forth with!
      I am an advice giver too and it’s so true that I am not always practicing what I preach. I notice that a lot with my hubs–I talk things out with him about his job or something else he is concerned with, and then I turn around and totally fail to apply the same insight to something I am dealing with.
      I actually think i am a confident person. It has taken me a long time to be one, but I think I am. But I realize now that being confident doesn’t mean you’re not human, or you’re invincible. Being confident doesn’t mean things don’t hurt your feelings. I think that idea of confidence is false, and it is especially put on women–like you’re not confident if anything can affect your emotions. Bullshit i think!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m sorry they didn’t approve the posts- that’s horrible!!! I recently wondered why people weren’t responding to some of my comments until I realized I never actually hit post. I literally had 20 tabs open on my browser that I just blanked on. I have not been firing on all cylinders.

    Like

    1. Hey Fallon! It’s really ok. Everyone is being so nice in their responses but it’s made me realize that just like you’ve said, there are all different circumstances. Who knows!?
      Thanks for reading hon! x

      Like

  10. There are so, so many things I want to comment on this post but I’ll limit it to these two – 1) I completely get it and feel exactly the same and 2) you and your blog are awesome. Whenever your new post pings its way into my inbox, I read it and am amazed at how you’ve managed to crawl into my brain and tap into my thinking. So thanks. I thought it was an important time to tell you how much what you write resonates 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. THIS!! To quote you, “I’m a pretty loud, confident, dominant personality. I actually feel fairly introverted but have more recently become aware that the world sees me as much more extroverted. I’ve been putting on the “I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of me” face, for as long as I can remember.”

    This pretty much describes me. You do not know how many times, I have gotten the “When I first met you, I did not think that you liked me.” I mean there are way too many other things to worry about than.

    As for your rant with the dentist office, everyone has to go off now and then. Hell, sometimes, going off is the only way that you will get any results. Hopefully, the hygienist will not go in too hard during your cleaning.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Cat, I can relate to your post in so many ways. But mostly because life is a journey and you never know where you might find comfort and support! I am looking forward to going back in time and reading some of your previous posts. Hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! You are so right–you never know where you will find comfort and support. I am working on not putting expectations on people or situations, and just letting what i need come to me. I think it’s a better way to go!
      Hope you find more you can relate to here–please come back and always share your thoughts, they are so appreciated!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. On the comments thing. As a newbie and with few followers, I’m checking in and inclined to acknowledge every comment I get. And as someone who just had a week go way off kilter in the middle of things, I became aware that the blog went way down on my list of priorities during that time. I’m just starting to catch up. So some folks non – responses may be as simple as that and have nothing to do with you personally, as difficult as that is to believe (If I say something, of course it does, and I look for responses, too)

    Another thing I will bring up here (remember, I’m a shrink specializing in trauma) is that when we are triggered, and all of us are, some more frequently than others, then the filters through which we experience life are different. Survival brain front and center, it is all about what’s in it (or out for) me. Survival brain soothed and not on high alert, we have a lot more flexibility in our ability to respond to the world. As your previous post suggested, I suspect your survival brain (and those of a great many others) was well and thoroughly activated in response to the craziness in Charlottesville. (actually, it wasn’t craziness, but orchestrated and largely planned which makes it all the more frightening to me)

    enough from me for now, keep on training and paying attention and appreciated how sometimes we get what we need (like a stable training week) at the right time. It was sure good for me that this week was semi-rest on the training level because of next weekends race (oh shit).
    cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m really glad you offered your shrink perspective to me here! Your ‘survival brain’ info is helpful. I wish it wasn’t so hard to find a shrink or therapist here in NYC. I’ve had a few great ones in my lifetime, all when I lived in Michigan years ago. It seemed much easier there to find providers that took insurance. The general consensus here in NYC is that none of the good mental health care providers take insurance, and the ones that do are not taking new patients. Anyway, you’re just reminding me how helpful it was to be able to talk to someone and get a really objective perspective.

      Like

  14. I know it’s a cliche Cat, but I believe that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. We learn more about ourselves in tough weeks than we do when it’s all going swimmingly. The beauty of you being a writer and thinker is that you take time to reflect and learn the lessons. So many people just get up and do stuff without actually experiencing it. If someone doesn’t appreciate your interaction, then move on. There are plenty others (like me) who do 🙏🏻

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know you’re right Ali. My life has been full of challenges and the best of what I have or am has come from them.
      Thank you for saying all of this. I feel so grateful that you are one of the writers I get to interact with regularly–I learn so much from you, truly. Also, it’s pretty funny to be counting down to your race day (and a few others) as well as my own. 😍

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Some bloggers are good reciprocators, some are not. I’m not so bold when it comes to commenting on blogs. I have to follow them for awhile before I’ll speak up… unless I feel a “click” sooner, if that makes sense. I don’t like to open up as I feel too vulnerable, lol. It’s a life-long thing, 😁
    Glad you’re feeling better now. And as I actually can open up to you, I’ll tell you what happened to me the other day… as I was getting ready for my 16-miler, I started my period. I couldn’t f’n believe it. Yes, it was time, but omg, couldn’t it have waited a day?! Guess I’m thankful I started before and not during, lol. As long as that doesn’t happen on the day of the race, I’ll be good, 😂😂😂
    Keep up the great work!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That makes so much sense Paula and is actually really helpful to hear. Maybe I’ve been a bit selfish in that way not considering that interaction with people you don’t know can make someone feel vulnerable. I never would have thought about that if you didn’t say it!
      For me, I just feel so appreciative and flattered when people comment on my posts and connect to something I have written, that I feel this strong commitment to put that back out into the world. I think I will keep doing that because it feels right and true to me, but I can also shift my expectations and not get attached to the responses–or lack thereof, of other people.

      You’re period story made me laugh–ok, yes, super grateful it did not come during. I think I am actually ok with having it during the marathon though. My problem is the week before–that’s when I really feel like garbage and my emotions are wacko!
      PS-Glad you can open up to me!! x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, BUT, think about it… if you were to actually start the day OF the marathon, the week before is going to be filled with all kinds of freak-outs, and with the nerves accompanying the marathon, it would be magnified like a million times over. 😂😂😂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You’re HILARIOUS. And you’re right. I won’t start day of though, beauty of birth control, I always start on a Tuesday. I’m gonna not start looking at the calendar and figuring it out now, I’m not anxious to have that as another worry.
        How many weeks out are you now Paula, btw?

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It’s October 22, so I think I’m down to 11 weeks now. 🤤 NYC is like a week after mine, or two? We’re just about on the same schedule. Yay! Go us!! 😃

        Like

  16. I also love reading your blog and the energy that comes flying out of it. As a “retired” marathoner, I could relate to your feelings of defeat, but you still put those dang running shoes back on and faced the road. Life is like that too. Pretty sure you just did that, wink Years of running taught me so much more about life then just being an awesome runner. Keep on cat! Keep doing the hill workouts. They teach you the most wonderful love of downhills. Hugs, my friend. Have a good week.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Donna! Saying that energy “flies” out of my blog may be one of the best compliments I have ever gotten! You’re so right, so much more being learned from the running than just the running. I will keep on the hills, I promise :). I’d say the lesson I’ve taken from the hills so far is that what once can make me feel defeated, can later make me feel powerful beyond belief.
      Thanks again for this. Have an amazing week! x

      Liked by 1 person

  17. I love reading your blog! In fact just yesterday I caught up on all the entries I had missed over the past few weeks! Now I sound like a stalker. Lol. I find your entries inspiring. So thank you!
    Best Quote: I used to walk into a room full of people and wonder if they liked me… Now I look around and wonder if I like them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a great quote Jenner, might be helpful to keep in mind.
      Thank you so much for reading my blog consistently–I never find that stalkerish, I’m SO grateful!! I love your blog as well, love following your journey and we are interested in so many of the same things. (Plus you have the awesome roller derby angle that I love!).
      I hope everyone reading this realizes this is not an outcry–I feel very loved and lucky to have all the awesome readers I do! And I ended the week in a very good place. That’s just life that not everyone is going to like us and I’m getting better and better at accepting that and being happy regardless 😇.

      Liked by 2 people

  18. I relate to this ENTIRELY. I am forever going down rabbit holes of paranoia- “Did I say something? Do something?? WHY IS EVERYONE IGNORING ME???” (Forgot to send the email… etc) And I hoped that my hormonal ebbs and flows would even out with sobriety, but so far still a bit of a crazy lady before I come on. 😂🙈 Xxx (Ps I really appreciated your last post, thank you. It gave me a lot of food for thought this week.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So glad someone can relate 😍. And I swear girl, while there are so many things that get better with sobriety, I’m still plenty crazy, lol. (Although I guess the better part is that now I don’t ACT on all the crazy!).
      Glad you got something out of the last post–so glad. x

      Like

  19. Love your blog and I like you even though we never met. I approved your comments on mine. Haha. I finished the 50 mile yesterday and hope to get blog up soon. On vacation out here the rest of the week. Two pluses I can walk today and I didn’t die!!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Here’s another blogger paranoia. Your comment gets posted, but no asknowledgement of the comment whatsoever. “I really like what you did.” Followed by silence. That’s when I feel like a stalker. You’re training for a marathon. That marathon is life itself. Keep up the progress, Cat.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re right Joseph, that’s another bummer. I understand everyone has their blog for a different reason though–while I may love the interaction and feel like it’s something I learn from, others might not be looking to broaden their circle and communicate with people they don’t know. To each their own-I’ll keep reaching out all the same. Glad I get to keep a discourse with people such as yourself!

      Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s