I’ve got nothin’.
There are starts to three different posts with 500-700 words each sitting in my draft tab. I hate all of them.
Over the past year I’ve been really proud of the work I’ve put out on this blog. As all of you know, it’s a little bit of a feat every time you hit that ‘Publish’ button, and put yourself out there into the world. I don’t feel nervous sharing my work anymore, but I am always anxious to see how people will respond. A lot of writers say you’re supposed to write for yourself. I’m not big on “supposed to” cause it almost never fits me, and then I am sitting in a place where I’m wrong or inadequate. I do write for other people. I write what I want to write, and I do it with the focus of reaching the one person it needs to reach. I always hope there’s that one person out there that reads something I’ve written and gets to laugh or cry, or nod their head and think, thank God, I’m not the only one.
I’ve really been reaching the past couple of weeks. I haven’t loved the past two pieces I’ve posted, and that feeling is foreign to me. That’s not to say that I love everything I write, but usually there is a level of effort and pride–a certain standard I hold to everything I share with you guys. I’ve been digging deep to give you the best of what I have, but honestly, I’m coming up short. I really wanted to finish out the year strong. I keep visualizing my last mile of the marathon, where somehow my legs woke up and pushed through to that finish line after feeling dead for several miles before. I’m trying to replicate that with my writing. I keep stepping on the gas hoping there’s just a bit left to go on. But so far, nothing.
I can’t give you guys anymore crap that I’m not proud of. I won’t. I’m coming to terms with the fact that perhaps finishing the year strong means something different than I envisioned. For me, it might be about letting go, and having gratitude for how far I’ve come. I think it’s also about resting and recuperating to get ready to give 2018 everything I’ve got. I’ve been sick for the past several days. It’s just a cold–a constant runny nose, lots of sneezing, fits of uncontrollable coughing. Last week on Sunday I randomly started vomiting and couldn’t keep any food down for hours. This is how my body reacts when it needs rest. It’s learned that it has to physically STOP me, otherwise, I will usually keep going. I’ve worked really hard to try to get better at this, but blogging hasn’t helped that effort. You see, I don’t really count writing and blogging in the things I have to take a break from. I’ll skip a workout or a yoga class, and call it a rest day, but I’m still up at 430 or 500 writing and outlining future pieces. I just really want to be good. I really want this blog to be a place somebody could stumble upon and think, hey, this might be worth following–there may be something for me here.
I want to start the New Year with a bang. But it’s not going to happen if I keep running myself ragged. It’s a tough lesson to learn, but I think I can spare myself some pain and anxiety if I stop fighting it, and just let go. So, this means, you may not see any more posts from me for the rest of the year! I was pretty determined to have a Christmas post, and of course something for New Year’s. I still might. But it’s got to come to me in a glorious jolt–it’s got to pour out of me. I want to have so much to share with you that I can’t type as fast as the words are coming. That’s how I’ve felt for most of this year. It’s what makes me love to write. I’ve got to take a break to get it back.
In the meantime, I’ll be savoring time with my friends and family, eating great food, and enjoying every bit of running and yoga my body decides it wants to partake in. I’ll be a little less active in the blogoshpere–not as much reading and commenting as usual. But still expect to hear from me–I love keeping up with you all, it makes my heart happy.
Since I’ve been a bit down on myself the past week and unhappy with my writing, I wanted to end on a positive note, and share some of my favorite posts I’ve done this year. If you’re new to my blog, I hope you’ll find something you can connect and nod your head to. If you’ve been around here for a while–thank you. You’re the best.
My Best of 2017:
- Aww, just a young pup, here I’m reflecting a bit on all the feelings, just about a week after learning I got into the NYC marathon through the lottery. I had to include this as well cause I think it’s the first post that I decided I was going to really commit to blogging.
- I finally run my first under 2 hour 13.1 at the Brooklyn Half this year!
- Oy, 2017 has been something else right? Here I talked about how blogging can sometimes feel stupid, in the midst of it all.
- I reached 100 followers back in June, and it was such a thrill for me. I’ve got a few more now and I’m incredibly grateful for all of you!
- I had so many people from back in high school contact me privately after this post to tell me how much they connected to it. It felt really good.
- The perfect summer day with my love, windows down, tunes up.
- Thinking I may need to reread this post about rest .Over and over and over again, apparently!
- I was ecstatic to share the wonders of magnesium oil, and have been overjoyed at how many people have gotten in touch with me and said it has worked for them.
- This post did not get the biggest response, but it meant a lot to me. I think it’s the first time I open up a bit about my sobriety.
- I think I lose some readers when I start talking less about running, and more about stuff like this, but that’s ok. I’m thinking 2018 will bring similar posts.
- I’m a mixed girl from the Midwest who now lives in NYC and is married to a white guy from Queens–I see color, everyday.
- Out of my weekly marathon training check-ins, this is one of the ones you guys liked best.
- New readers may not know, I wrote a mile by mile series to go with my marathon training. It was grueling, and I often regretted having started it while I was going through it. Now I’m really proud of it and happy I saw it all the way through. I think Miles 13 & 14 was one of my favs–I love the juxtaposition of how weak my eating disorder used to make me feel up against how strong I felt during training.
- Podcast Queen
- My favorite weekly marathon check-in. I was just a few weeks away, and learning so much!
- I’ll forever be grateful to this post because it introduced my blog to SO many new readers through WordPress Discover. It’s funny, this post is about getting sober, and I’ve had so many people lovingly reach out and thank me for sharing my story. Honestly, every time it’s happened I’ve thought–my story? That’s like a minute of my story! It’s a lifelong journey for sure–always more to come on this front. Thanks to all who received this part so warmly!
- Ending that grueling mile by mile series felt just as good as crossing the actual finish line!!
- My most EPIC DAY of 2017–and maybe of my life.
- Writing this piece was a relief, especially because so many of you seemed to be able to relate to me on it. That’s got to be one of the biggest gifts of blogging–having people relate to you. You are never the only one!
- My last marathon reflection. Someone commented that this piece was sad and heavy. I took that as a huge compliment–it’s what I meant for it to be. That being said, I understand why less of you were into this one. It’s the holidays, time to take in the happy!
It’s funny, the posts that I was the most excited about or thought were my strongest, are not always the ones that other people respond to. Do you guys find that as well?
Like I said, if inspiration strikes, I may get some holiday posts in here. If not, everyone please enjoy the season. Looking forward to a strong and hopeful 2018. x