Unmasking my Motivations

This past Christmas as I began to prepare for my journey back to my hometown of Michigan, I went through the same tired routine I always do when I’m trying to decide what to pack. I began to wish I had more options. I thought about how I could probably use another pair of jeans. I concluded that none of my sweaters were stylish or cozy enough to wear to Christmas Eve dinner.

Five years ago I would have solved this “problem” by hopping online and overspending at the Gap and H&M. This year, I did something different. I paused, looked around my closet, and then thought–come on, this isn’t about sweaters. What are you really feeling?

The truth was and is–my semi-annual clothing conundrum has less to do with cardigans and more to do with the feelings of inadequacy that often pop up when I spend seven days around my far more fashionable model sister. We live about a 10 minute walk away but often see more of each other back home in the midwest than we do here on the streets of Brooklyn. Well—that’s not completely true. We actually do often see each other on the streets of Brooklyn. Her in some fab leather jacket, red hot lipstick, and cool boots, headed off to some event. Me in any number of layers of sweats and a bun on my head, hustling my way to the corner bodega to score the last few bottles of Passionberry Kombucha. We have very different lives. She loves hers. I love mine. So what’s the problem?

There’s no problem. That’s what I figured out this year. Going home is a funny thing. I’ve written before about how I used to always try and lose weight when I had a trip planned. The clothes are no different. My first instinct is to manipulate the thing on the outside that I’m sure is going to represent how I’m doing to friends and family I haven’t seen in months. Then I get home and I remember that my friends and family are awesome, and they don’t give a shit about that stuff.

Luckily this past year I was able to remember all this before I overspent on things I didn’t need. Since I was able to get honest and play the tape all the way through, I was able to assure myself that shopping was not the answer–that it would only leave me with regret and that the quality of the time spent with friends and family would never be dependent on how chic or thin I managed to be. Once I worked through all this, packing was actually fun! I dug through my closet and got creative and of course realized I have way more things I like than I even knew or remembered. I spent the afternoon full of gratitude upon recognizing how fortunate and privileged I really am.

I really think there is something to this–the “playing the tape all the way through.” It’s an expression we use in recovery all the time. The first time you hear it is in early sobriety. When you are in your first year and the warm months are approaching, and the streets are suddenly filled with people on patios sipping cocktails, your head starts to get crazy. After the long, cold, hard winter, you think about how good it would feel to sit in the warm sun and share a few salty-rimmed margaritas with friends. If you’re smart, you tell someone you’re thinking this–that you’re missing the ritual–the conviviality that drinking brought. If you’ve rightly shared this with someone who’s been in recovery for a bit, they’ll inevitably tell you to play the tape all the way through–to consider what might happen after the wonderful couple hours with friends in the sun, sipping tequila. For me the fairytale ends when the sun goes down. It’s when I go inside to go to the bathroom and stop at the bar to do a shot or two by myself before returning to the table. Or when I decide to leave my friends, unbeknownst to them, to go hang out with strangers at a place down the street. I’ll of course start a tab at that new bar and not realize I’ve left my credit card there until I’m trying to pay for the cab I’m taking home from a random guy’s house at 7am the next morning. Walk of shame.

Ugh. Yeah. I’ll skip the margaritas today.

Now that I’ve been sober for a little while, I use the “play the tape” concept less for drinking urges and more for everyday situations. When how I’m about to handle something doesn’t feel quite right, I try to stop myself and get honest about what exactly my motivations or reasons for doing the thing are. When I am able to recognize what’s really driving me, it’s often harder to justify the original course of action I intended on taking. I’d say 90% of the time, I rethink and actually forgo my plan.

Case in point: I was recently trying to decide whether to sign up for the Brooklyn Half. It’s my favorite race and one I try to do every year if I can. It sells out in about a half hour so if you’re gonna do it, you’ve got to be perched and ready at noon on the sign-up day (which is January 31st this year if anyone else is so inclined!).

Oddly for me, for the past few weeks, I’ve struggled to decide whether I want to run it or not. I’ve run several half marathons, and after finally completing a full last year, I thought frequently running halves would be a no-brainer–it would become my norm. I think I even declared several times here: the half is my distance! Still, after grappling with the loss of no longer having the huge goal of the marathon, it’s been difficult to transition into the new year and feel unclear about what exactly I want from my running. As I’ve given it a bit of time and things have come into focus, it seems I’ve lost my desire to run long distance. I understand that this could be temporary. I even have a coworker who has run a few marathons who told me recently that he has never wanted to run one two years in a row. He actually entered the lottery for NYC this year after a couple years off. It was encouraging to see that that desire can ebb and flow. In the spirit of following my intentions for 2018 to stay in the present, I think I’ll let my enthusiasm for running distance wane in order to make space for other things I might accomplish.

It’s taken me a minute to come back from Crazyland and acknowledge that the half marathon is long distance running. Whether I train for these races or not, the mileage required to keep me in the endurance shape I need to be in to run them is higher than I want to log right now. I’m intent on getting stronger, leaner, and faster. I’m really enjoying spending more time on my strength training and focusing my runs–using intervals and speedwork to get a lot out of them in a shorter amount of time. I even attempted my first true tempo run this weekend which I’m super excited about (I was totally doing them wrong!).

So it seems like a no-brainer right? Don’t anxiously sit in front of my computer on the 31st staring at the clock–waiting to drop $100 on a race I don’t really want to run. That seems obvious now, but it’s taken me a minute to get here. A week ago I was pretty sure I was going to sign up. I had quieted all my true feelings and instead let a more minor one lead–my fear of missing out. I’ve not been able to run the Brooklyn Half before because I was injured. It was devastating. I actually got teary-eyed when I saw runners leaving the park and passing my building with their shirts and swag bags. I wanted to be with them so badly.

Besides the fear of missing out, there was another, more embarrassing motivation for my determination to sign up for the race. I have another coworker–a friend–who runs the Brooklyn Half for charity every year. She is not really into running otherwise. The training she does for the half is probably 90% of the running she does for the whole year; she prefers other forms of exercise. Last year when we both ran it, it was a lot of fun coming in on Monday morning and sharing how our long runs went with each other. People in the office even kept up with us a bit–they’d ask how training was going, they’d help countdown the weeks before the race. That attention–and the thought of it solely being focused on my coworker–that was driving me to sign up for the race. I cringe as I write that–but it’s the truth. I got honest with myself, and in a voice that sounded more like a 5 year olds than my own, I heard myself say: if you don’t race, everyone will think that she is the runner. Ugh. Seriously.

Thoughts like these used to go on inside me, unchecked. They led me. I’d do all sorts of things for all the wrong reasons–jealousy, anger, pride. Luckily these days I’m a little more aware of when these defects are trying to steer me. As mortifying as it is, I know the only way to make a turn and head in the right direction is to tell on myself–to admit what is guiding me out loud to another person. In this case–as it often is, that person was my husband. I shuddered and also giggled at myself as I barely mustered out the words to him: If I don’t race than (insert co-worker’s name) is going to get all the attention for running! 

Having already known all of my good and legitimate reasons for not wanting to run the race, my hubs lovingly chuckled at my admission, and then immediately shut it down. That’s kind of how we do things in our little family–we don’t let each other get away with bullshit. He reminded me that it was just a few months ago that I got ALL the attention from everyone in my office for running the marathon, and that the co-worker whom I was set to envy was especially supportive of my endeavor. At the end of my conversation with him I felt clear and free and sure about my decision to not sign up for the race–and I walked away with an even better plan: to be as encouraging and supportive as I could to my co-worker. I can’t take credit for this. It was my hubs. I think his exact words were: “Ok, so we are going to not run the race and instead be there with signs for (insert co-worker’s name), yelling loudly and rooting her on like mad.”

Yeah. His plan is better than mine.

I’ve been so focused on what I can get out of my running in 2018. I didn’t think about what I can give to it as well. My running has always been all about me. Perhaps growing my appreciation for the sport this year will involve getting more active in encouraging other runners and supporting their success.

All in all, it’s a relief to know that I will not be pushing my body to do something it’s not into doing right now. Gone are the days of me forcing it into submission. We are more of a team now–my body, my head, and my heart. I am hoping this unity will not only help me avoid injuries, but also allow me to listen and make decisions that benefit my whole self–and maybe even others.

 

 

How do you know when you’re doing something for the wrong reasons? What is the motivation behind the voice you usually let guide you? Anyone rethinking any decisions they are about to make? I’d love to hear from you…

 

 

 

 

 

header: jon-tyson

57 thoughts on “Unmasking my Motivations

  1. ‘Run the tape through’ I genuinely love this! I find myself doing this without realising it was a thing. I stopped drinking 3 years ago. I wasn’t an alcoholic but I was aware I had a problem and I needed things to change. I have now reached the point where I can have a drink and the beast doesn’t take over, in fact he turns to me and says ‘I’m not really feeling it, shall we get a coffee instead?’ But back when the beast was still rattling the bars on his cage every time I was out with mates, or just not in a good head space, I would play that tape. The injuries from climbing up shit and jumping off, the wasted days from feeling like crap and cancelling plans with friends. I have never again had the urge to go back to being that person.

    But before you give me any kind of congrats, I’ve only replaced the alcohol with exercise. And the beast is rattling a new cage. The why arnt you pushing harder, training longer, resting less cage. And this is a struggle for me to conquer. But every race I try to gag him, and tell myself to just enjoy it. Run your own race, and don’t feel you’ve got to make excuses why you’re not on that finish line almost puking your guts up from the effort. I still have a problem, but I’m hoping this is my year to conquer it.

    Love your stuff as always, thanks for inspiring 😉 xx

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  2. Love the post, Cat! I can really relate to the “play the tape through” and I love the thought journey you took us on with that. You made me turn that thought back on myself and reflect – I love it! Keep up the courageous honesty – you’re inspiring me to do the same!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have to admit that I do the thing where I shop for certain situations just to try and avoid being less fashionable than others too. And I’m a bit ashamed to admit that I’ve never thought about it like this until you wrote it down..
    I’ll certainly think twice before spending that money the next time I feel that way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No shame at all Mirjam, I am obviously right there with you! I love figuring these things out because it helps me avoid the behaviors that follow these feelings, and the behaviors–like shopping, are what really leave me with regret!

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  4. I think becoming more mature, we do stop and examine things more. There’s nothing wrong with stepping back from something you aren’t feeling passion over. Distance running is hard and does require commitment. If that’s not where you are right now, that’s ok! Maybe it will be satisfying enough for you to know you’ve done it and that will be enough. Regardless, just listen to your heart 🙂

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    1. Thanks lady! Yeah it will be interesting to see if i am a one and done marathoner. Happy to take it one day at a time and wait and see for now. I’m hoping that is a sign of maturity as well–being more ok with the not knowing!

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  5. I love that statement- play it all the way through. I need to use that when I’m mindlessly eating in the staffroom at work. All it leads to is me beating myself up about it later:(

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Great post as always – and (again as always) you manage to get to the crux of an issue and work through it in the course of a couple of hundred words while taking us lucky folk along for the educational ride! I seem to have got my running mojo back a little bit over the last two weeks – and in its own way it was exactly like you standing in front of the closet asking “what’s the real problem here?”. For me it was all down to being a passenger in terms of my career and after two weeks of taking back some control suddenly fun things seem…fun again. I may revise that statement after a 36km race on Saturday morning!!

    I love your point about what you can give to something rather than what you can get. Perhaps my best running moment of last year was handing out finisher medals at the half marathon we organise at our club and getting a hug (and some tears) from an elderly lady who got through just before the cut off. I will admit it was a close call with the family hugs I got after 12 hours running the PUFfeR but I think the old lady maybe edged it 🙂

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    1. I don’t know what the time difference is between us—hoping the 36k went well, or is going well, or is going to go well—you let me know! Glad you are feeling like you are in the driver’s seat again. I’m not sure I ever really feel like that if I’m being honest. Or when I do, it’s kind of an illusion, this fantasy I have about having all this control over my life. I actually maybe think I’m taking your metaphor to a different place—I understand what you meant!
      What I can give to life rather than what I can get from it. Honestly, I need to write this down and try to think about it at the beginning of every day. It would serve me well I think!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It went well thanks – tough day, tough hills but managed to nurse it home a minute quicker than last year! Feeling a bit closer to the passenger seat this week but I’ll do my best to wrest back some control…!

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  7. You do know you’re amazing, right? I didn’t know about playing the tape the whole way through: that’s a brilliant analogy and one I will try to remember. I am slightly regretting signing up for a spring marathon at the moment, as it’s just so damn hard getting enough training in when the pavements are so often so icy. Ugh. But I really want to do London one year, which is in April, so …

    Do you have events you can volunteer at, by the way? That’s even cooler than holding a sign up for one person, and I get the feeling you’re someone who is keen to serve her fellow human beings. I’m training to be an endurance official because I hate running cross-country races but enjoy helping people, and I have even got a bit more personal development out of it, taking some downloaded hypnotherapy courses to get rid of some fears of unpleasant things happening in front of me …

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh you Liz–idk about amazing!! But thank you. You’ll notice i cannot take credit for any of my brilliance, it’s ALWAYS taken from other people!
      You are not the only person to mention this volunteer business–I think it’s a sign! I’m on it. I’m gonna make all you guys hold me to it. Appreciate the thoughts lady. x

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  8. Isn’t it awesome when you learn something so insightful that benefits your life but also frustrates you like crazy because you wish others would open their eyes/minds in the same way? That’s how I feel with spending money; I’ve always been super money conscious and usually never bought things unless I needed them or really wanted them (though guilty of doing the same thing with holidays/vacations in thinking I needed new clothes) and over the years I’ve found myself spending less and less. I just can’t get my mom and sister to realize how much better it makes life as well as saves money! I think one of the biggest “ego decisions” I made was refusing to consider York College when I was in high school because that’s where so many people from this area/my high school went. I felt as salutatorian (#2 in graduating class) that I was better than that. I went to Lebanon Valley my freshman year and ended up hating living on campus (came home nearly every weekend) and stressing myself out constantly wondering how I would pay for it someday (despite having a half tuition scholarship I would’ve graduated with at least 60k in debt since the tuition at the time was around 30k a year). I transferred to York College, commuted and graduated from there in 2009. Ironically one of my friends who initially went to University of Pittsburgh did the same thing; thought he was too good/smart for YCP but hated Pitt. While I can’t say I fully regret my decision because I feel like every experience happens for a reason and I may have spent the rest of my life wondering if I should’ve lived on campus, I definitely learned to not let my ego drive major life decisions like that!

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    1. I Know what you mean about getting frustrated when other people don’t open their minds in the same way Tracy. It may seem silly, but I try to employ another AA slogan in that case as well–“Live and Let Live”. Maybe that’s not a recovery slogan, but we use it ALL the time. There are a lot of things I wish my family especially would do, but in the end I just try to remember that I’m only responsible for myself–and that’s actually a relief and pretty great!

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  9. So many great thoughts in here! And so great that you’re able to “play the tape through” now more than you used to. I’ve done versions of this that might not involve spending but rather wasting time – like when I’m trying to write something that I don’t want to (because I am afraid it might not be good and then *I* might not be good) so then I just give up and go on facebook or twitter for an hour. I’m trying not to do that as much. Maybe next time I feel like doing that I’ll be like “wait, why am I not wanting to write right now?”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeah sometimes I think we are just asking ourselves the wrong question. It’s not, “what should I do since i don’t want to write right now?”, maybe instead it’s “wait, why am I not wanting to write right now?” like you said. My course of action often changes when I figure out what’s really motivating or pulling me down.

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  10. Oh my gosh… I can SO relate to this, especially the narrowing down your motivations for running/not running a particular race. I feel that way about the big Rock’n’Roll race near me – EVERYONE runs it and if I don’t then I’m not a “real” runner and they are. Which is hard to admit that the motivation to run is not about the race but about needing to be ‘better’ or get the attention than someone else. UGH!

    I love “playing the tape the whole way through” idea. I’m going to incorporate that into my repertoire as it comes to wanting to eat the chocolate!

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    1. For sure Michelle, this stuff is SO hard to admit. I find that when I do admit it though, it loses its power over me. It’s when I keep those feelings inside that they really eat me alive and drive me everywhere. Then I am making decisions not based on what I really want or need, but rather from a place of ego or lack. It’s not good!

      I am so glad you took the “play the tape through” idea to food–I use it for that ALL the time. I especially use it at work because the way everyone eats there is “oh come on, one little bite isn’t going to hurt” But for me it’s never just one little bite, and even if it is, sometimes that one little bite of sugar or cheese or whatever it is really makes me feel like shit! Helpful if I think it all the way through and decide if it’s really worth it!

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  11. Great post Cat. Yeah, what motivates me often means figuring out who I’m doing it for. Unfortunately, I often feel I need to prove something and I try to find a positive way to channel that. But I need challenges or I am content to drift toward complacency. I, too, don’t have a set running goal this year but am drawn toward backcountry adventures again, which running helps with the prep, so I still find the motivation to run. It is a more intentional, reflective, slower journey for me to backpack and sleep outside. I miss that.

    I wrote a post the other day regarding my yoga practice, it made me think of you. Whenever I kick into standing bow pulling pose now, I think of your words and how my hand is placed on my foot. The link is here if you care to check it out. https://myworldstandingstill.com/

    Thanks for your thoughts and your words, keep up the great writing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Matt. Yeah, I know what you mean about finding a positive way to channel that energy. I’m a competitive person, and sometimes it’s silly when I am competitive with someone in yoga class or on the treadmill next to me at the gym–BUT, there is some sort of value in that as well, because it does make me push myself. A few people here have remarked that their only competition is really with themselves, and I think that is true. I think what i hope to do is to still let that ego driven competitive spark pop up, but then channel it into more positive and constructive actions–ones that are definitely serving me. I think living with that bit of a chip on our shoulders like we have something to prove is not always a bad thing if we can simultaneously remember to treat ourselves well!

      I have bookmarked your post, so excited to check it out! I LOVE reading about other people’s yoga journeys, I am sure I will connect with it somehow and also learn a thing or two. Funny, I got in a lyft the other day with my yoga mat and my driver asked me what kind of yoga I did. When I told him Bikram he was like “Sista! me too!” We talked yoga the whole way home, it was so great.
      Cheers Matt, so great to hear from you! x

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  12. Great post! I love the “play the tape the whole way through” mantra. I’m glad I read that. While mine is a much less serious battle to overcome, I struggle a lot with instant gratification and not being able to do things I need to do because they’re not satisfying (i.e. getting up a few minutes earlier so I can have a smoother morning, going grocery shopping so we don’t need to order takeout for dinner, etc). It’s a good reminder that I need to look past the initial unpleasantness of the task at hand and remember how much better I’ll feel, and how much easier life will be, if I just suck it up and do it.

    I understand your dilemma about the half marathon. It’s taken me a long time to internalize the fact that I don’t need to run races or be a beast at training in order to be a “real” runner, and that it’s about MY relationship with the sport, not what other people think of me. It does feel good to get attention from my coworkers and friends for my running accomplishments, but the temporary kudos aren’t worth it if it means being miserable in training and hating running for months at a time. I’ve decided this year that I can choose not to race, and not to run fast or long, and still be just as much of a runner. It’s like giving my ego the middle finger.

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    1. For sure Hanna, I use play the tape from everything from sobriety and more “serious” things, to really everyday and seemingly less important things–like eating sugar. People bring donuts and other sweets into my office all the time and pretty much everyone partakes. They cut little squares off and then they say to me, “come on, one little square, is that really so bad?” And when they say that, it’s easy to agree with them in that moment–how bad could one little bite of a pastry be? But the truth is, for me, that one bite is really no good. It usually leads to other eating questionable eating decisions and by the end of the day, my belly is distended with sugar and regret!
      I like the idea of giving your ego the middle finger. That’s really exactly what it is. It’s crazy sometimes when I realize how much my ego could guide me if I let it. My self examination also makes me realize how many people do let their egos lead them and what a mess it’s made of our world.
      I too have been thinking more about my relationship with the sport of running–it’s been good to take a real look at it instead of just going going going. It’s good to figure out what really makes us happy–not just what will satisfy our egos or make us feel like we are enough in other people’s eyes.

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  13. I try really hard to ‘play the tape all the way through’ because I used to be incredibly impulsive. I had a moment yesterday, a girl I knew from years ago was running her first marathon and I found myself checking her time, I actually thought ‘if she beats my time I’ll have to run another one!’ what the… The thing I love about running is that my only competition is MYSELF and here I am being bitchy and competitive with someone who has not given me a thought since school!! Obviously after playing it through in my head I realised how stupid that is!!
    Another great and honest post Cat xo

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    1. There is a girl from high school that I am randomly competitive with. I don’t even think we were competitive in high school–we are TOTALLY different people who have always ran in very different circles. Yet I have this thing–where I check up on her. My hubs even knows who she is. We basically call her “my girl”. Sometimes I realize I’ve been in a much healthier place because I have not checked up on her in months. So crazy. And all the while this girl has no idea, lol.
      Glad I am not alone!!

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  14. Another option is to volunteer at the race. For example be at a water stop. I’ll never forget the half where a friend from church handed me my water and told me I was doing great.
    Also love the play the end of the tape! So easy to think about the here and now and not where things will end up.
    Also when I start getting all worked up I think what is this really about. Almost always has nothing to do with the situation but something else. For example my huge fear of abandonment!
    After that fifty mile it was a good four months before I finally feel like endurance running. I was starting to wonder if it would ever come back. I’m six weeks into training for a full and enjoying it. I’m doing a little different program this time so it’s weird not running five days a week. The new norm. Ha.
    Keep writing so I can keep reading. Life is all about me. 🙂

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    1. I think this is such a great idea Rach. If i don’t do this specific race I am definitely going to find another! I am so grateful you suggested this. it made me remember least year at this exact race, I went through the finish line and went to get water and it was a friend of mine handing it out. It was the most amazing surprise! Would love to make that happen for someone else.
      PS-Crazy how marathon training is like “light” training for you now you 50 miler maniac! You’re so awesome. AND…life IS all about you <3.

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    1. You totally will. I think we can tame our inner 5 year olds but they never really go away. Sometimes when I hear what my instincts are I’m like “holy shit, if you acted on all your instincts you would be F*&^%$#!!” LOL.

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  15. Ooh, I had one of these moments over the weekend. I bought another Mac lipstick to fill the temporary ( and it is only temporary) hole in tha soul. To be fair though it is lovely 😊 Seriously though, I get it. I once said to UM that if I never bought another piece of clothing I’d still have enough. Great post as usual S x

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    1. I have gotten A LOT better at the shopping over the years, but i still always feel like there is room for improvement! Also, the buying stuff doesn’t work for me like it used to–doesn’t even feel like it fills the hole temporarily anymore! I guess in some ways that is good but sometimes i just want to buy and eat my feelings, lol!

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    1. I used to think my body was something I had to “rule”. I still apologize to it sometimes for those days. Trying to have my fitness goals lately be ones that my body believes in as much as my mind!

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  16. How I love and respect the honesty you dig into yourself with, then turn around and show us all, so you can’t get away with it. You’ll be great in a cheer squad for a race you’re not meant to run, don’t worry, G : )

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  17. Hey Girl,
    Indeed, It’s very important to think very well before we act, Because once we make the desiscion to say or do something there is no turing back… It’s important to always be honest with ourselves and to try to (beecause we are not perfect) to always ask ourselves what is our motivation behind every desiscion our action that we make.

    So I always try to make the right choices and if i am emotional or mad about something I will give myself time to calm down. So I can’t think straight. And make sure that I do not say something that I regret.

    Have a Awesome Week , Dear!

    Hugz and Kisses,
    Miss B.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey lady!
      You are spot on–giving yourself that time to calm down is the way to go. I have to remember that all the time–I have a tendency to react emotionally for sure! I think though now I’ve regretted my actions and reactions enough times that that pause is becoming more of a regular practice!
      You have an awesome week as well, so glad you stopped by girl! x

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  18. When I was running I had a group of cyber running buddies, all women about my age. We met at races but otherwise we were supportive online. The group still supports our last, lone runner, a woman who is 72 or 73 and says this is her last year of running a half…When she turned 70 another of the group and I went down to Detroit to cheer Betty on. The Detroit Marathon was on her 70th birthday and she ran it. We got ourselves into position at about 8 locations. I swear I ran about 20 miles just getting from one location to the next with her signs and extra food and water for her. IT was a blast but I was exhausted. You cheering on your coworker will mean the world to her. Nice job, hubs, coming up with that plan!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. He’s good right? Yeah, I think it’s a good plan. And OMG on her running that marathon on her 70th birthday. That’s a dream! So amazing. I definitely agree that supporting someone in a marathon is a whole thing/event in itself!

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  19. It is incredibly liberating to “play the tapes all the way through”. I’m glad that you were able to catch yourself before you made it to H & M. Usually when I do something I later regret, it has EGO written all over it.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I am so with you Bryce! My ego gets me in trouble all the time. That’s totally what this situation with the race is all about–I want to be seen and known as THE runner. Oy vey. I make myself tired sometimes. Glad I am not the only one though! x

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